Mothering and Community

Someone asked today "If you could use ONE word to describe YOUR experience of new motherhood and community what would it be?"...This was a difficult one for me. I have been in so many places at different times starting as a new mother and advancing to a mother of now six. Oh the stories I could tell, write, and express. I can't pick just one word. A new mother is full of anxiety, worry, overwhelmed, stressed, fearful, lonely, and feels isolated. Despite sleepless nights and the huge adjustment becoming a mother presents, most mothers are full of joy. Then they come home and look at their new child with great anticipation to only find reality hits. Not only are they battling the bounce back from birth they must meet the high demands of an infant with no return. A baby does not give anything in the beginning. Generally speaking, birth brings on a roller coaster of emotions. Joy and love foremost. This creature you've created, this life, is now here and LIFE is now beginning! Society has placed expectations about parenting and mothering in general. Expectations can run high and certainly stress any new mother out!



Support and community is so important. Whether it's ones first or 6th, they need people and help. Whether that is family, friends, locally, or even online! I can not tell you how isolated, and lonely I felt after my sixth. People think because one has so many you no longer need support. It was quite the opposite for me. I felt forgotten. Like no one cared about me enough to come visit at my home and help. I NEEDED more help. With each one I have silently become more desperate. There are times when I wish someone would have brought me a meal. Not planned it out. Just took it upon themselves to say this is what is happening and I'm coming like it or not...An "I will not be visiting your house, so if it looks like a bomb exploded in your house that's ok!" There are very few people I trust to see my house in total disarray! Looking back I think I had more help the less children I had. This really has been a struggle for me when a new life has entered our home. I often feel as though everyone around me is too busy to help. And when I've spoken with family etc. they want to know exactly what I need help with. Well duh! Everything! Life! (laundry, dishes, cleaning, EVERYTHING...) Sometimes it just an ear to listen. One with no judgement! I feel out of my comfort zone asking for help. Sometimes I feel as though my life goes to complete CRAP and there is no one who really understands that. If I were to break down and share all my thoughts and feelings I would be ridiculed or told it is all in my head. OR that famous ignorant phrase would be spoken..."well you made your bed and now lay in it" I can tell you I have become numb over the years. I sort of exist in my own little world. Perhaps that is my way of dealing with the daily stress of raising so many children. I do find having children and family rewarding, yet it can be so hard as a mom. There are times when I feel so isolated and unappreciated.



I used to be a part of a church family growing up. I have longed and searched for what once was and what I once had to find that it no longer exists. Everywhere I have been I feel a complete disconnect with others and the people around me. They really have no interest of getting to know me. So I get in to these patterns of going for a while, and then I just stop going. It's not that I do not feel the presence of God, it's that I feel out of place. I can't connect on a personal level. I do not have the same beliefs as my spouse, so when I am in church I am not a united front with my husband. He does not nor will he attend. So I feel like the single mother. The outcast, the odd ball out. So while I long for that church community with strong relationships our family had growing up - It simply no longer exists. At times I feel like where I should be serving is in various ministries and even that is a long process. To get involved you must become a member, make many commitments, I don't even want to go into great detail at the moment. Right now my commitments are God and my family. I simply don't think one must go to church to connect with God. Prayer is a powerful thing. I am still connected to churches through friends and family and am currently serving under the radar! lol I am currently sewing menstrual pads for a friend who is going on a missions trip to Nicaragua this summer. Point being that there are ways to serve without being in the forefront!




Then there is the online community. I have found several groups online that I have really connected with. None of them faith based. Online internet groups are quite a fun experience. I have found them helpful, informative, fun, and hurtful on a few occasions. It is really hard the larger a group becomes to really connect on a more personal level. Overtime interests change and people come and go. I don't discount internet relationships as real relationships. There really are real people on the other side of the computer screen. When I say hurtful, I have shared my personal experiences or events with a select few to have them run off with my words and change them or take them out of context and share them where they do not need to be shared or changed them in a negative manner. This can be a big issue. My intention is never to hurt someone by the words I type or that come out of my mouth. Also, I know it is hard to be seen online. I have learned in groups you really have to be active to be noticed or seen or recognized. While I am not looking for some sort of recognition or grandeur, it's nice sometimes to be in the forefront. For someone to notice I exist, where in my real life I feel left behind and unnoticed. While I do not need some sort of validation, It is nice to be noticed. Especially if you are passionate about like interests. I sort of feel like camouflage in real life. It's hard to connect with people who do not have six children. That is not to say I am not able to connect in real life. I do! I am a hybrid for sure! A type A and B personality! Oh the things I have learned over the years! Many coping skills for sure! I used to have many real life friends. MANY! Many now exist simply online. Some have completely disappeared with no way to contact. I have a few VERY close friends who I feel I can share everything with. They are few far and between though. Everyone always moves away. Even my own family. I feel this complete disconnect even with family at times. It's quite sad. I am actually closer to some of my online friends than my real life friends and family. Lately I have been struggling with the fact that I don't even have many online friends or close friends as I once did. My issues are what they are. I just wanted to share my feelings and experience briefly. There is nothing overly exuberant about my online community experience, it is what it is! I personally enjoy a few select cloth diapering groups with other moms. Perhaps that is because I am able to connect with many of these moms. I think finding groups free of judgement do not exist. I try to carry myself with professionalism when I connect on these boards, yet try to share my personal experience. At times lots of negative drama explode in groups(of which I pray I am NEVER the cause), other times lots of fun filled drama!




The bottom line is that motherhood, whether a new mother, seasoned, or veteran mother, is challenging and rewarding. It doesn't happen right away. There is no instant gratification. I do however feel blessed beyond measure. I am thankful for my children and thankful that I am able to call myself a mother. Many women would give anything to have what I have! However, hold on to your seats! It's a roller coaster!!!!!!!!!! YES, that one word to describe new motherhood and community- "ROLLERCOASTER" - It constantly changes, has ups and downs, pros and cons!



Also I'm certain my writing is full of grammatical errors. Time is never on my side!